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I hesitated to write this post simply because my sister has access to my blog. I am in no way trying to compare my grieving process with hers or to in any way elevate my level of grief to hers. That said, no one would argue that Stephens death has effected us all. I get 2-3 emails/IM's/PM's/Texts a day asking me how I (or my family) are doing. Frankly, it is hard to verbalize. Those who know me best know that I have a much easier time expressing my thoughts via the written word.
So, in light of that fact I thought I'd go ahead and make a blog entry trying to express exactly where on this road I find myself.
Visualize a rubber band. I've made it easy for you by including a picture. On one end of the rubber band is grief, sorrow, tears. On the other end is joy, laughter, happiness. I find myself desperately wanting to follow the tug towards the latter. However at the same time I feel myself being stretched and pulled back towards the former. Its a constant tug-o-war. When I am leaning more towards happiness and joy I feel guilty for abandoning the tears and grief. I feel like perhaps by embracing joy I am doing dishonor and disrespect to the life Stephen lived and to my sister who is still very much grieving.
I find myself craving normalcy but the moment I start laying plans and arrangements for that to happen I realize that there is no going back to "normal". Normal for our family ended on April 4th at 7:00 AM. We must now create and allow life to create for us a new "normal". For me, that is excruciating. I greatly dislike change. My comfort zone has been breached and I am realizing more each day that its never going to be like I knew it. Oh yes, in time the "new normal" will become comfortable as well but it will never be the same. There is nothing about my life right now that does not remind me of our loss.
I find myself feeling guilty that I still have a husband and my sister does not. I feel guilty when we are together when he holds my hand. I feel guilty when she and I are together and he texts. I feel guilty for WANTING to move on and return to a normal life when I know that my sister will probably never be the same.
So, all in all, the ironic thing is that the most appropriate answer to each of you who have asked how we are doing is, "We are doing normal." We are dealing with this process in a normal way of dealing with grief.
We are grieving for our loss. We are grieving for what might have been. We are grieving for what will never be.
Above all, thank you from the bottom of my heart for every expression of love and care you have shown to not only Shandra and her girls but to our family as well.
So, in light of that fact I thought I'd go ahead and make a blog entry trying to express exactly where on this road I find myself.
Visualize a rubber band. I've made it easy for you by including a picture. On one end of the rubber band is grief, sorrow, tears. On the other end is joy, laughter, happiness. I find myself desperately wanting to follow the tug towards the latter. However at the same time I feel myself being stretched and pulled back towards the former. Its a constant tug-o-war. When I am leaning more towards happiness and joy I feel guilty for abandoning the tears and grief. I feel like perhaps by embracing joy I am doing dishonor and disrespect to the life Stephen lived and to my sister who is still very much grieving.
I find myself craving normalcy but the moment I start laying plans and arrangements for that to happen I realize that there is no going back to "normal". Normal for our family ended on April 4th at 7:00 AM. We must now create and allow life to create for us a new "normal". For me, that is excruciating. I greatly dislike change. My comfort zone has been breached and I am realizing more each day that its never going to be like I knew it. Oh yes, in time the "new normal" will become comfortable as well but it will never be the same. There is nothing about my life right now that does not remind me of our loss.
I find myself feeling guilty that I still have a husband and my sister does not. I feel guilty when we are together when he holds my hand. I feel guilty when she and I are together and he texts. I feel guilty for WANTING to move on and return to a normal life when I know that my sister will probably never be the same.
So, all in all, the ironic thing is that the most appropriate answer to each of you who have asked how we are doing is, "We are doing normal." We are dealing with this process in a normal way of dealing with grief.
We are grieving for our loss. We are grieving for what might have been. We are grieving for what will never be.
Above all, thank you from the bottom of my heart for every expression of love and care you have shown to not only Shandra and her girls but to our family as well.
9 comments:
Julie,
Thanks for verbalizing your feelings. Its helpful to hear and try to understand as much as I can from my perspective.
Julia,
Thanks for sharing your feelings. I am sure the new "normal" will come, but until then, don't feel guilty for all the grief or the other feelings you described. Since I only have one sister too, I have thought I could easily be in your situation--and I think it would be horrible. You are probably grieving more for her and what she is facing and will face than for your own self.
Smile a lot, cry a lot and God will see you through! Missy in Taiwan
Very good thoughts, my friend. Love you!
I'm thankful you were able to share that. I have the a similar range of emotions. I was not his spouse, his mother, his child, or any other family member. I wasn't a life long friend. Yet, I'm struggling with this. Trying to make sense of it only makes it more confusing--but then I feel beyond guilty for thinking of myself--my loss--when I think of Shandra... My heart goes out to her and those little girls every time I think of it--which is often. How she is able to function is beyond my comprehension. I imagine every day gets both easier and harder at the same time. I'm so thankful she is able to lean on the Lord. What would we do without Him??
Thinking and Praying for you all,
-R
I totally understand your thoughts. I continue to pray for both you and your sister. Hugs to you, my friend.
Still thinking about you all and praying for you! : )
Bless you for sharing your heart and your mix of emotions, Julie. I can't even imagine all the feelings that flood in and out of your mind and body day to day. I continue to pray for you, Byron and your precious children. Also for Shandra and her girls. So thankful that even when our mind and body are experiencing those "normal" processes of grief and guilt.......our spirit is secure in our Heavenly Father. May he continue to wrap you in his loving hands and soothe your very being, just like you do for that little chick I see you posted. All my love --- mary h
Julia,
This is a great blog. To my knowledge, I never met Stephen and only know your sister slightly, but a day doesn't go by without my thinking of them and your whole family. If there is any good at all to be seen in this event, I believe that it has caused many of us to take our relationships far more seriously. To cherish every moment we have with our spouses/children. To think twice before using "that" tone of voice. To overlook the little annoyances that are a part of every relationship and focus on the larger more important things of life like time, love, acceptance and family. If there's one thing that all of us wish to leave behind us it's the knowledge that we made a positive difference in someone's life. Obviously your brother-in-law achieved that in life by the hundreds that he touched while alive. However I believe God has used even his passing to effect positive change in so many of us by causing us make a conscious effort never to take those ones dearest to us for granted. While I in no way intend to minimize the deep grief of your family, maybe in a small way this can provide comfort. That his death was not in vain, but those of us who are left will keep this tragic incident before us as a reminder...
Our prayers are with you constantly.
Connie G.
Julie, I can tell this was from your heart and it was so moving to read. God will redefine normal for you and His goodness will be your hope. "The steadfast love of the Lord is forever--His mercies never change--they are new every morning--new every morning--great is your steadfast love."
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