Dreams

Two nights ago I had a dream. That is not unusual for me. I tend to dream frequently. Typically I can't remember the dream the next day. However, this dream was very intense and I woke up crying. The dream went like this....

I was very elderly and in a nursing home. In the dream I was laying feebly in a bed and Kendra - in adult form was sitting beside me crying and holding my hand. I asked her what was troubling her and she said, "Oh Mom, don't you worry about me and my problems. There is nothing you can do to solve my problems so I don't want to burden you with them." Even in my dream, my heart was broken. I'm a mom. Even in my advanced age and diminished strength, I was still, through and through, a mom and my nature was, even then to solve my children's problems. However, my adult child was not giving me that chance. The dream then moved on to Kendra getting up and kissing me tenderly then leaving the room. However, as she left the room her adult form changed back to her present day form of a 6 yr old child looking over her shoulder at me.

As I laid there in my bed, I could feel - almost taste my own longing to go back to her childhood. To when I not only COULD solve most if not all of my children's problems but alas, was expected to solve them. I ached to hold each of them and rock them and carress their small heads as they laid against my chest. To tuck them into bed and be the center of their universe. But, instead, I was helpless and alone. Alone with my memories.

I woke up sobbing. I was heavy hearted the next day. Partially because I am well aware that the day is coming, truly RACING toward me where that scenerio will not be a dream but my reality. It is the natural course of life and nothing will reverse the aging cycle other than death.

However, the haunting fear that I awoke with was this.....When my time comes to reside in such a facility, what exactly WILL my memories be? Will they be memories of what COULD have been or what was and can never be again. In my mind I heard a little voice from just earlier that morning - "Mommy, can you come play Candyland with me?" My response? - "Oh, Alyssa, Mommy is so busy getting lunch ready. I really can't right now. How about later this afternoon?" I remembered then that "later" never happened. Another scenerio flashed past my eyes..... "Mommy! I can't make my bed! The sheets are all off, please come help me fix it!" My response? "Kendra, Mommy can't come right now. I am too busy. You can do it yourself cause you're a big girl." Shame on me!

These are just a few examples of scenerios that I am going to strive URGENTLY to avoid ever again. I do not want to have regrets when that day comes.

Next to God and Byron my children are my top most priority and will always be. I just want to go on record. I may not agree with every choice they make (when that time comes) but they will always and forever be mine to mother and I will make sure they never ever question my love, my loyalty to them and my pride in them.

This has definately been a "strange" post but I felt like I needed to post it. I had decided not to but I just felt that I was to post it.