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Facing our own mortality is painful and typically (and understandably) avoided. However, failing to acknowledge our own mortality is not only short sighted, it is also an incredibly selfish act. Death will touch one in four Americans this year on a personal level. Most of us are woefully inadequate to handle not only the emotional but also the practical ramifications of deaths inevitable visit to us. Medical advances in the last 30+ years have managed to postpone death’s visit to us, so now we experience the death of someone close to us much less frequently than our ancestors did. Death has become out of sight. It has become removed from our conscious concerns and has become relegated to an abstract thought for most of us.
Studies have shown that most married couples, on average, have never spent even 20 minutes discussing the subject of death on a personal level. That fact is an astounding and revealing statistic when you think of all that results from death’s inevitable occurrence.
The Bible clearly states that all will die. Ecclesiastes 3:2 says, A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up [that which is] planted. Life is a privilege - it is not our right. Some may have time to make final arrangements once they find out that death is imminent. Other's will have no time to make such arrangements. Just ask the 20 yr old who died of a massive cerebral hemorrhage after giving birth to her first child.
In light of some recent events in my life, this subject has occupied more minutes of my days than I care to think about. So, in light of the facts I've outlined above, I'd like to present to you two scenarios. Followed by 2 questions that I'd like you to ask yourself.
Scenerio #1: You die tomorrow. Your children and your spouse are gathered in your home attempting to make final arrangements. Daughter 1 wants Local funeral parlor A to handle the arrangements. Son 2 wants local funeral parlor B to handle arrangements because he has heard that Funeral parlor A has had some shady business dealings. Son 1 wants Rev. Smith to have the funeral but your spouse wants current pastor to have funeral. Daughter 1 wants the funeral to be held at the church. Spouse wants it to be held at the funeral parlor. Then spouse panics when they find out that the funeral is going to cost X amount of dollars and there is nowhere near that amount of money in your bank account. The question consistently is asked, "What would dad/mom have wanted?"
Scenerio #2: You and your spouse are involved in a serious head on collision. Both are unconscious. Both are on life support. Neither are able to communicate at all. Your children are called in. They must decide whether or not to "pull the plug" because neither of you have put in writing your desire to remain alive by machine or to go on peacefully to Heaven. Your children must now face the devastating and horrific decision - one that will no doubt haunt them for the rest of their lives. If they are blessed with unity among themselves, they will all agree on the decision. However, in such a moment of pain and heart ache, more than likely the decision will not readily be unanimous. The question will forever, in each of their minds, be asked, "Is that what Mom/Dad would have wanted us to do?"
Question #1: If you were to die 1 hour from now, would your spouse know precisely your wishes regarding your final arrangements and would he/she know exactly how they would exist financially from that moment on?
Question #2: If you were to suddenly become incapacitated tomorrow, with no way to communicate your desires, would your family/spouse know your wishes regarding life support and life sustaining measures?
In closing, in all your planning, keep a couple things in mind....
Letting your survivors know your wishes saves them the difficulties of making these decisions at a painful time. Planning some of these details in advance can also help save money. For many people, death goods and services cost more than anything they bought during their lives except homes and cars. I knew of a couple who planned and paid for their funeral five years before the life event occurred. When it did occur, her family was able to totally grieve her passing without the added stress of picking out the casket, arranging payments for the funeral, choosing songs, etc. It was all done, by the lady herself.
Studies have shown that most married couples, on average, have never spent even 20 minutes discussing the subject of death on a personal level. That fact is an astounding and revealing statistic when you think of all that results from death’s inevitable occurrence.
The Bible clearly states that all will die. Ecclesiastes 3:2 says, A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up [that which is] planted. Life is a privilege - it is not our right. Some may have time to make final arrangements once they find out that death is imminent. Other's will have no time to make such arrangements. Just ask the 20 yr old who died of a massive cerebral hemorrhage after giving birth to her first child.
In light of some recent events in my life, this subject has occupied more minutes of my days than I care to think about. So, in light of the facts I've outlined above, I'd like to present to you two scenarios. Followed by 2 questions that I'd like you to ask yourself.
Scenerio #1: You die tomorrow. Your children and your spouse are gathered in your home attempting to make final arrangements. Daughter 1 wants Local funeral parlor A to handle the arrangements. Son 2 wants local funeral parlor B to handle arrangements because he has heard that Funeral parlor A has had some shady business dealings. Son 1 wants Rev. Smith to have the funeral but your spouse wants current pastor to have funeral. Daughter 1 wants the funeral to be held at the church. Spouse wants it to be held at the funeral parlor. Then spouse panics when they find out that the funeral is going to cost X amount of dollars and there is nowhere near that amount of money in your bank account. The question consistently is asked, "What would dad/mom have wanted?"
Scenerio #2: You and your spouse are involved in a serious head on collision. Both are unconscious. Both are on life support. Neither are able to communicate at all. Your children are called in. They must decide whether or not to "pull the plug" because neither of you have put in writing your desire to remain alive by machine or to go on peacefully to Heaven. Your children must now face the devastating and horrific decision - one that will no doubt haunt them for the rest of their lives. If they are blessed with unity among themselves, they will all agree on the decision. However, in such a moment of pain and heart ache, more than likely the decision will not readily be unanimous. The question will forever, in each of their minds, be asked, "Is that what Mom/Dad would have wanted us to do?"
Question #1: If you were to die 1 hour from now, would your spouse know precisely your wishes regarding your final arrangements and would he/she know exactly how they would exist financially from that moment on?
Question #2: If you were to suddenly become incapacitated tomorrow, with no way to communicate your desires, would your family/spouse know your wishes regarding life support and life sustaining measures?
In closing, in all your planning, keep a couple things in mind....
Letting your survivors know your wishes saves them the difficulties of making these decisions at a painful time. Planning some of these details in advance can also help save money. For many people, death goods and services cost more than anything they bought during their lives except homes and cars. I knew of a couple who planned and paid for their funeral five years before the life event occurred. When it did occur, her family was able to totally grieve her passing without the added stress of picking out the casket, arranging payments for the funeral, choosing songs, etc. It was all done, by the lady herself.
Final arrangements are a huge financial transaction, and many times arrangement decisions are made under stress at a time of bereavement. The ability to make informed decisions is a gigantic challenge when one is under the emotional strain of having just lost their loved one. Shock, disorganization, roller coaster emotions, guilt, and the magnitude of loss and loneliness cloud decisions. All to often the act of spending money can be wrongly linked with feelings of expressing love or caring.
Oh, and by the way.... A will is not a good place to express your death and burial preferences for one simple reason: your will probably won't be located and read until several weeks after you die -- long after decisions must be made.
And finally, a great acronym that you really should make a priority in your planning... POA. Power of Attorney. There are two choices of POA's available to you. Financial and health care POAs are used when you reach the point you choose not to make your own decisions or are incapable of making your own decisions. In both instances, the person you have selected then becomes your advocate. I cannot stress enough the importance of choosing your POA outside of emotional attachments. Please do not choose your eldest offspring who lives 18 hours away when you have 4 younger offspring who live next door. Birth order is NOT sufficient eligibility criteria.
Oh, and one last thing.... although it is certainly not required, it would be really fantastic to have your pastor on board with your final arrangement portfolio. As you can imagine, when the inevitable happens, even the most prepared family can become emotionally unsteady and having a pastor who is well informed and "in the know" can be a huge relief and can help the family deal with their grief much better.
Oh, and by the way.... A will is not a good place to express your death and burial preferences for one simple reason: your will probably won't be located and read until several weeks after you die -- long after decisions must be made.
And finally, a great acronym that you really should make a priority in your planning... POA. Power of Attorney. There are two choices of POA's available to you. Financial and health care POAs are used when you reach the point you choose not to make your own decisions or are incapable of making your own decisions. In both instances, the person you have selected then becomes your advocate. I cannot stress enough the importance of choosing your POA outside of emotional attachments. Please do not choose your eldest offspring who lives 18 hours away when you have 4 younger offspring who live next door. Birth order is NOT sufficient eligibility criteria.
Oh, and one last thing.... although it is certainly not required, it would be really fantastic to have your pastor on board with your final arrangement portfolio. As you can imagine, when the inevitable happens, even the most prepared family can become emotionally unsteady and having a pastor who is well informed and "in the know" can be a huge relief and can help the family deal with their grief much better.
So, don't assume you have another year. Your next breath may be celestial.
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