Who Am I?

I made a somewhat frightening discovery tonight. I really don't know who "I" am. Since Byron is away, I had to attend the viewing of lady who was the sister of one of our church men. I had to attend alone. Well, I had the kids but that is beside the point.

As I walked up the ramp to the funeral home I immediately started to panic. You see, I've never had to do anything like this without Byron. Byron can make conversation with a complete stranger and within minutes have made a new friend. As I walked up the ramp, I panicked because there were approximately 20 people on the ramp who I didn't know from Adam. I walked into the funeral home (past all the curious onlookers) and tried to nonchalantly gaze around the room looking for a familiar face. If Byron had been there he wouldn't have had to look - he would have instantly been comfortable with the situation and would have in turn made me feel comfortable.

The whole evening I was painfully uneasy. I felt naked. Oh yes, I was fully clothed and perfectly modest but I realized that my whole identity has become "Byron's wife". I've never been an outgoing person but I can clearly remember my college days and even in our early married life. Even though I wasn't outgoing (and I've never been a leader by any stretch), I used to feel confident in "me". Somewhere along the line I left corporate America and joined the world of stinky diapers, bottles, potty training, etc. Somewhere in all the business of "mothering" I got lost. Frankly, I am still not sure where I am. I just know that "Julie" has become "Mom" and "Byron's wife" and "The preacher's wife".

Do my kids even know who I am? The REAL me? Do they know me as anything but their source of sustenance? Do "I" even know who I am anymore? I certainly love being a mom and a wife but I miss the confidence I used to have. I miss the feeling of actually being intelligent. I mean, when I think that I actually graduated in the top 10 of my class from Kent State University with a degree in Business Administration, I really can't imagine how it happened. Nowadays the "A,B, C Song" has taken the place of challenging academics. I've traded my heels and business suits for jean skirts and faded blouses. My peers are now between the ages of 2 and 7. Lunch time talk is about boo boos and kittens and play houses. I have to admit that I miss performing for a paycheck. I miss the feeling of actually completing a task and leaving work and going home. I miss the challenge of climbing the ladder of success. I miss the hope - and the realization of a pay raise.

I know that raising children is a much higher calling than any secular job and truly, I wouldn't trade being a mom for anything in the world but I DO miss the feeling of being "someone" to someone over the age of 7.

The cry of my heart is not to become someone I'm not. I truly have no problem being in Byron's shadow. It's quite cozy and secure there but I'm just not sure I am SUPPOSED to be hiding there. I'm thinking perhaps our "team" effort hasn't been so much of a team effort at all but rather I've been pretty content to cheer him on and "cover his back" rather than walk confidently BESIDE him as my own person.

So.... I am now on a concentrated journey to find "me". I don't want to stop being a mom or a wife - both of those are PART of who I am but I don't believe it should be ALL of who I am and for the last 7 years it has been that way and I think it needs to change. Maybe not a drastic, earth shaking change, but a change nonetheless. I have no idea even HOW to accomplish "the finding of me" but it is something I am going to talk to my Heavenly Father about because ya know what? He knows who I am better than I ever have or ever will and I'm guessing that He's just thrilled to help me become all that I SHOULD be!!

So, if you've read all this, thanks for sticking with me and if ya think me someday when you're extremely bored, say a little prayer for me!